I ache. This page that you see when writing a blog is hideous and uninspiring.  I don't feel anything about life or my days anymore. 

Disappointment, really.  My old best friend dumped me for this concert next week. I invited her, paid the 105 for her ticket and she said she didn't know if she had to work or not. It's obviously not that important. How could I have ever thought we would stay friends. I always kick myself in the butt and realize how stupid I am after I screw up or invest myself.

Why is this house so cold?! We aren't poor and this is a condo, it should be warm. I have two big windows and a door in my room, but it should still be warm. And it's only November. oh God. He's really the only reason for any of it. He's blessed me with enough dependable friends that even if one drops me for something more important to them, I have great friends to fall back on; I hardly even feel the blow. I'm stopping therapy. We don't think the same. I can't open my mind to her. My mind doesn't exist within that little room. She doesn't even have a couch. She has stiff chairs. It's horrible. I just miss the depression and the clarity it bred.

Since when do guys say they want to marry you and that you are perfect after knowing you for a month? Since when do they turn to me for saving? I didn't realize I was that magnetic to guys with issues. What happened to men with a backbone that don't talk about their feelings? I would love to find one of them. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know what you guys are thinking and feeling about me, but I would love some mystery. The fact that you like me actually turns me off a little; what kind of a guy would want me? Especially when I weigh like one thirty five. ugh. Everyone is so tainted. Are there any guys left pure and whole and unscathed by life? Life gets them so early nowadays. This boy is nineteen. He's adorable and hilarious. But why do the drugs have to be there? ugh. It's so sad. This makes me want to be a lesbian. It really does. If I could just switch over just like that and take Krystina with me, I would in a second.

I just want something noncommittal and fun and light. I wish I was in elementary school. Those were the days. When sex gets involved, everything is blurred. I am just impossible to please. I think like a woman but my heart acts like a man. How anyone finds and keeps a marriage is a wonder to me.

I know that no one ever knows what girls are thinking, but I never know what guys are thinking.  Does he not realize that he is flirting with me? Is that even possible? I really doubt it. Well, we hung out all day while he was tripping; and he just didn't seem like he liked me. ugh. this is so stupid and pointless. I actually thought worthwhile things today.

It was beautiful and glorious and perfect today. Everytime I looked at him I just wanted to kiss him. He just has a gorgeous face in a way I don't think people would recognize.  That makes it better, actually.  We were sitting on a small green bridge over a stream and he was looking at the railing, as I was looking at the sky and the trees. I saw the light reflecting from the water on the tree and I thought that was beautiful and it sparked something in my mind: if what we see is a reflection of light to the retina, isn't everything we see real? For example, when I saw the different light on the tree, producing different shades of tan and brown, wasn't that actually the colors of the tree and not the colors of the water on the tree? Does that make sense? I feel like everything he said while tripping made more sense than anything else. Does that make me mentally unhealthy?

Anyway...  I went to this cookout with my parents and their friends, which was nice. One of their friends is my therapist; it was odd being around her and not talking all about myself and my problems. There was this peanut butter pie that was heavenly, and they sent home half of it with us. And this is a very large pie. ugh. I felt like she, my therapist, was noticing everything I ate. I was noticing everything she ate, which really just isn't nice. They lit a little fire, because it was getting too cold for the old people, and I couldn't help thinking "it's so weird that people just stand around a fire and stare at it; and it can kill you!" It was just so odd to me that we think of it as normal.